Convener : Arnaud Lamouller-Bonaventure
- Pia Boye
- Adrian Perreau de Pinninc
- Annelies Poot
- Christof Braun
- Mark Williams
First, a definition
Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These "violent" modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.
Violent behaviors are :
Moralistic judgments:Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons, and diagnoses
Non Negotiable Demands with blame or punishment if they fail to comply
Denial of responsibility we can't deal with our guiltyness
Making comparisons between people
Unsolicited advice because it lacks of respect and consideration of the other's choices.
Violent communication don't take care of other's human needs.
NonViolent Communication for unlock conflict or suffering situations.
When I live a difficult situation (example:my team members don't respect the sprint planning !), by putting the responsibility on environment or other people, I am in a powerlessness position.
If I focus on me, and am aware that my troubles don't come form the environment or others behaviors, but from my own feeling in this situation (I like that everything goes as planned), all depends of me and I have the power to change this.
4 steps to feel better:
- do Observation:at the end of the fifth sprint, team had finished 7 stories when we planned 10 during the sprint planning.
- Focus on your Feelings:I feel angry and disappointed.
- Identify your Unsatisfied deeper Needs:I need security
- make yourself a Demand:I will talk about my anger and disappointment during the retrospective without blame anyone.
Be careful:needs are not strategies.
I need to go to meetup : that is a strategy to satisfy your need of community.
Pattern to describe a problem non-violently
What to do when others don't want to communicate:
Do the Observation-Feelings-Needs-Demands process to soothe yourself.
Remember that you can't change others easily, but you can change your feeling face to the situation.
“If there is no solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it. If there is a solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it.”
Dalai Lama XIV
Many thanks to this session's attendees and to you who read this report.
Book : "Living NonViolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg
NVC group research : NVC@school
List of feelings : https://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory
List of needs : http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory